Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Like Holding Water

My parents and I had a really long talk last week. right after i posted the last entry, we had this thing. they said that since i was still discerning, i should start experiencing everything there is to experience in life in order to really ground the decision i make about becoming a priest.

They said that i should still be open to the rest of the world before i make drastic decisions. they were right. i think that i should experience the world more before i decide on things so big as to become a priest. but the idea still lies in my mind and in my heart. there is still that fire burning.

During the past few weeks, i've been starting to really control myself. every time i commit one of the 7 deadly sins, i put a mark on my notebook. i made San Alberto Hurtado's technique a reality. he also did that when he was discerning.

I've finally told her my feelings. i compressed those four years of untold feelings into about 30 minutes, and at the same time i told her that i was thinking about becoming a Jesuit.

Saying those words and talking to her like that really helped me in opening my heart to really falling in love with another, yet i may have done that because she might be the only reason why i might not be able to continue priesthood. either way, i still feel really relieved.

Now that i've finally let her go; let the fish out of the cage; the bird out of the aviary; i can finally really find that other without having to compare the other to her;the fish;the bird. (Gets mo?)

Maybe my parents were right. i may be thinking about it too fast. but i can really really see it in my heart. the embers of Gods love are strong within me. strong to the point that i can hear his voice. calling me. telling me to go to the seminary and serve. i have the feeling that the true will of God for me is to become a priest. i believe that i will really enjoy the whole priesthood. i believe that my Lord is calling me there. still, i want to fall in love. i want to really have a really real relationship with someone special. she might be just around the corner, or right under my nose. i'll never know. God knows my plan. He knows that i want to experience things first before i make the "this is really is it" decision.

Thats why i let go of my feelings for her. thats why i want to fall in love. thats why i love God.